Sunday, 13 December 2015


A word that runs through my mind several times a day.
"Be positive", I think.
"Positive mental attitude"
"No one likes a negative person"
I am so self aware, its ridiculous. I know I moan a lot. It seems to be part of my nature. It's also part of my depression. I don't do it on purpose- which makes it worse!
I struggle socially, so I am painfully aware a negative attitude puts people off. This, in turn, increases my anxiety and makes things worse!
I try and put happy things on Facebook, try to convince everyone I'm a really happy bunny. In doing so, I try to convince myself. Sometimes it works. Other days, I snap, and post something moany. Which gets ignored.
The sort of post which, if a friend posted it, would get a hundred responses. 
And then I dwell on it. And hate the world a while.
Then, a couple of days later, I kick myself for being an ass.
And round and round we go.
I'm not what the solution is - I've been like this so long now, it's going to be hard to crack. I often wonder if I'm going to crack it.
Both my Mum and Dad had issues, most of which I am only just becoming aware of. They passed away in 2009 and 2010 respectively, and with no relatives left on my Dads side, it's been a slow process to discover - mainly through old paperwork, and letters. It's tough to accept. So tough that when my aunt  emailed me at my request to tell me about my mothers past, I still haven't  told my husband what I found out. 
Lately things have been really hard because the baby won't sleep. I love him, but it's so tough sitting in that rocking chair half the night. The other morning I didn't want to talk to anyone on the school run. But it was nice to discover people do care and some took the time to come and talk. I find it difficult to shy away if people are kind enough to to engage with me when I have a face like thunder. But I thank them for it; it keeps up my faith in others. 
So where am I going with this? I'm not so sure. I just kinda wanted to get it out there. Blogging as a kind of therapy works really well for me. I'm not sure I even expect anyone to read it!!
But if you are, thank you. I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry for being a grumpy old cow. But I do have an excuse.
Well, kinda.

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